Eat, Drink, Sleep, Repeat – First Christmas After a Breakup

The Days Before Christmas: Memories of the past

In the days leading up to Christmas, my first Christmas after a breakup, I found myself reflecting on Lucas and everything we had shared. Naturally, as the last two years, we had always celebrated the holiday together. Before that, I often spent Christmas on my own, retreating into quiet solitude with good food and holiday movies.

When Lucas came into my life, he, like me, had distanced himself from his immediate family. Together, we threw ourselves into recreating the magical Christmases we had missed as children. He brought home a massive tree, we spared no expense on food and gifts, and we stretched out the joy of giving by unwrapping presents over several days.

The second year, though, was the complete opposite. After a year of frequent travel, we didn’t have the means to exchange gifts. It was minimalist, to say the least. Lucas reconnected with his parents, who gifted us a trip to England, where we spent Christmas at their cozy, carpeted home. Those days were filled with abundance – lavish meals, warmth, and homely comforts.

Between Hope and Resignation: The Turning Point

In the weeks leading up to the end of our toxic relationship, everything seemed 'fine' on the surface. I ignored his remarks, withdrew, and stopped responding. I actually started to believe that we managed to turn the page. But in truth, that was no peace – I had already given up on myself. That was the only way it worked.

One day, we stood by the window and saw two magpies. In an old English rhyme, it goes: "One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy..."For the longest time, we only ever saw one and took it as a sign of our unhappiness. But at that moment, there were two. Lucas wrapped his arms around me. “Look, they’ve reconciled. Just like us.”

I was grateful for that moment, clinging to the hope that we had finally made it work – even though deep down, I knew it only worked if I completely erased myself.

I still remember the Christmas dinner with his parents. His mother fantasized about how we might celebrate Christmas the following year, suggesting ways we could do things differently or better. As she spoke, the realization hit me like a thunderbolt: there wouldn’t be another Christmas with Lucas. I already knew it at that moment. I simply couldn’t take it anymore. 

It still took me two more months and a grueling ordeal where I feared for my life before I could finally leave the relationship and find the strength for a fresh start after the breakup.

The Essence of Love: Mindfulness, Acceptance, and an Uncomfortable Truth

This Christmas, I met a couple my age who had been together for 20 years. I asked them their secret. They told me: Let each other be who you are.

Don’t assume you need to do everything together or share the same hobbies. The key, they said, is to truly see the other person – to recognize who they are without expecting them to change just to suit you.

Mindfulness is essential. Accepting the other person for all that they are. Yes, there will always be things you dislike. But they are part of the whole package. And who are we to try and change someone else’s quirks just to make ourselves more comfortable?

Lucas tried to strip away everything that made me who I was. He constantly pressured me to achieve greatness – and to do it immediately. In private, he sabotaged me in small, insidious ways. For example, when I tried to eat healthily, he tempted me to break my resolve by pushing chocolate into my mouth even when I didn’t want it. But whenever he wanted to eat healthily, I was the villain if I didn’t follow suit.

This brought to mind the Chris Hemsworth documentary "Limitless". While it wasn’t my favorite, one central message stuck with me: Love is the greatest thing one can experience.

I have experienced love – but in its most brutal form. What had I done to deserve it this way?

I’m over 40 years old, and this is the kind of love I’ve known. As if I’m not destined to experience the kind of partnership others seem to have: where two people support each other, build a life together, treat each other well, and face challenges as a team.

Perhaps that kind of connection is simply the exception, not the rule.

Christmas with the Polish Family

This Christmas, my first after letting go of a toxic relationship, I braced myself for the pain that might arise and built a protective framework to navigate the holidays. This year’s festivities are with the large Polish family of my closest friends. A marathon of eating, drinking, sleeping, and playing games.

In line with Polish Christmas traditions, the feast featured carp as the centerpiece and Makówki, a dessert of bread rolls soaked in milk and poppy seed syrup. We set up a large table for ten people. My friend’s house felt like a camp for the stranded. Partners of siblings whose families lived abroad were warmly welcomed.

Although it was initially said there would be no gift exchange – “just something small” – the floor beneath the tree was packed with presents. Ten people, ten gifts each. It was a wild frenzy of unwrapping and joyful cheering.

Her father kept refilling my schnapps glass because I made the mistake of finishing my drink. At Christmas, no glass should remain empty!

The days continued in a blur of leftovers paired with wild game and dumplings, accompanied by a loud soundtrack of family chatter. In a large family, you learn to make yourself heard – even at the expense of your vocal cords.

The finale came on the last day of Christmas when the entire family joined forces with the equally large family of an uncle for a massive raclette dinner. “Let the feasting begin!” the hostess announced, and the twenty-person family descended upon the lavishly set table like guests at a Greek banquet.

Self-Reflection: Guilt and New Beginnings

During those days, focused on the present, I surprisingly thought very little about Lucas – a first step toward self-love after a toxic relationship. With the festivities, I had no time for my mind to wander.

I was completely in the moment. But now, as I write these lines, guilt creeps in. Had I betrayed him? Had I abandoned him and let go, while beginning to learn that I’m allowed to do something good for myself too?

The Greatest Gift: Being Myself

This Christmas, I found more than community. I learned about love and self-discovery – things I had been deprived of for so long. A group of friends, board games (which Lucas hated, though I loved them), and the freedom to be myself without weighing my words or jokes too carefully.

That was the greatest gift of all.

Be well,

Vaselisa