Trauma Healing, Forest & Freedom

During my relationship with Lucas, when I was at my lowest, I signed up for a place in a psychosomatic clinic. I wanted to find out if there really was something wrong with me - just as he had always claimed. Maybe our problems really were my fault.

A few months after the breakup, I was finally offered a place. Instead of feeling relieved, I felt anxious. Over the previous months, I had spent countless hours reflecting on my past, my relationship, and my emotions. I had taken my first steps toward feeling safe again. Did I really want to descend into those dark places once more, searching for problems that might not even be there?

Despite my doubts, I decided to give therapy a chance.

The Clinic

The clinic offered an excellent program, and I was welcomed into the group from the very beginning. Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't belong. Should I stay? Or should I leave? Part of me felt guilty for even taking up a place when there were surely people who needed it far more than I did.

Next to the clinic was a forest. I spent hours walking there, and with every step, my mind grew quieter.

Then it hit me. I suddenly understood what had been driving me all those years.

My whole life, I had been searching for problems to solve. I had worked through my past, survived a destructive relationship, and kept forcing myself to dig deeper.

But now, I simply wanted to live. To be free. To be happy. And life came knocking.

Friends wanted to see me. I received invitations for Christmas, and new career opportunities began to appear. Was I really going to miss all of that just to keep searching myself for more problems?

Around me were people who could barely cope with everyday life. I had once been there too. It was in that moment that I realized I was further along than I had thought. I was doing well - as well as someone recovering from trauma can be.

Over the past few months, I had learned to be happy on my own. To love myself. To experience joy again - simply because I existed, not because I had achieved something.

Perhaps I would never have come to that realization if I hadn't said "yes" to this place despite all my doubts.

I let go.

A Walk Through the Forest

Sunlight filtered through the trees, illuminating the path ahead. Everything felt lighter. Like a new beginning. But with every hopeful thought, his voice still appeared beside me.

"I know the right way. Just hold onto me and I lead us in the right direction."

And I think: You believe you know the truth. But it's only your truth.

"No. There are universal truths. If everyone lived by them, the world would work."

Maybe. But it's my life. And I want to live it in a way that feels right for me - not according to someone else's ideas.

"You don't have an opinion of your own."

I do. I know what is good for me. And I know what isn't. And I choose to trust that.

"That hasn't worked out very well so far."

Maybe I'm not where I want to be yet. But I've had extraordinary experiences. I've seen places that have shaped me. People value me and the work I do. I may not be extraordinarily successful by conventional or your standards, but my life has been exciting. It has been rich. So I must have done something right.

Out there in the forest, I remembered our walks. 
He used to hold my hand all the time. I belonged to him.

During the final months of our relationship, we walked side by side. Our hands barely touched anymore. I think we both knew we couldn't go on. Maybe we didn't even want to. But we had become too dependent on each other.

As I left the forest, the sun broke through the trees, lighting the path ahead.

Choosing Life

I turned around one last time. From a distance, the forest looked like a sea of gray. But every tree was different. Some stood tall and straight, others twisted with age. Some were covered in moss or ivy, while others still shimmered from the rain. Each one was unique, each had its own place.

As I walked along the river, I felt as though I was walking alongside life itself. Sometimes the path was rocky, then it became calm again. But the river kept flowing. Just like life.

When I left the clinic, I made space for someone else to come - someone who, like me not so long ago, needed support to find their way back.

As I walked away, I had imagined leaving with uplifting music, quick cuts, like the ending of a film. Stepping straight back into life.

Instead...

Everything was gray. Melancholy. Yet, I was happy.

Be well,

Vaselisa